I have a feeling we are getting a bit glum and down in the dumps about our current predicament, so let's forget about our recent league form, performances and so on, and focus on the Magic of the FA Cup. Now that my tickets have arrived I am beginning to get excited by the thought of my trip to Cheltenham, as the FA Cup has seems to have captured the imagination of the public, thanks largely to the fact that it's not on ITV or Sky.
Am I alone in thinking that football on ITV is completely naff?
On Saturday I stumbled across ITV's version of football pornography in the shape of 'Goal Rush' For those who haven't seen it, a presenter along with Ron Atkinson and the ubiquitous John Barnes sit there in the studio with Barnes and Big Fat Ron watching a game each on tele. "She's taking her blouse off, undoing her bra, cor, would you look at those, you don't get many of those in a pound." Real keyhole stuff. Have you ever heard of anything so perverse? Sadly, Barnes didn't make it as a manager, which is a shame, as presumably he would be on the touch line somewhere droning on in the same monosyllabic tones, instead of making a career out of saying nothing in a totally boring way wearing brightly coloured clothing, parading as a more educated, refined version of Lenny Henry's Old Deekus. I hope I haven’t offended any Watford fans by these comments, mais c’est la vie, mes amis.
Presumably ITV especially hire all the articulate footballers, which makes you wonder about the rest doesn't it? BFR does get a bit more animated, but can there be anything more frustrating than watching someone watching a really brilliant match, twitching and gyrating in their seat as Rovers hit the post and the shots rain in? Meanwhile, reports flood in from all over the place as the goals fly in. You don't see them, but some lucky bugger who is probably been paid to go and watch the game and gets a free pie at half time has the pleasure of the experience for you. At the Burnley game they even had Keith Macklin, who used to present Look North before Stuart Hall, didn't he? Bloody hell, which old people's home did they get him from then?
Restored to its traditional first weekend in January, I thought the last Third Round weekend had the lot. Most notably, Cardiff beat Leeds, and some of their fans tried unsuccessfully to beat up the Leeds fans. Sam Hamman got himself acres of publicity, and the Leeds management made wallies of themselves by complaining about Cardiff's aggressive behaviour in the club car park, when D O'L threatened to take his coat off to Sam Hamman and his Welsh equivalent of the SS. No irony there then? I quite like O'Leary, and he has done a great job, but anyone complaining about violence and intimidation towards Leeds players with a side containing Alan Smith, Danny Mills, Bowyer and Woodgate in their team is a bit rich, isn't it? One of the most remarkable things about the recent trial of Woodgate and Bowyer was the revelation that Bowyer had a less well publicised conviction for affray when he went to a McDonalds in Leeds (these boys know how to live) to order a burger for breakfast. When the staff informed him
they didn't serve burgers at breakfast time, (quite right too, after all this isn't America, yet) apparently poor old Lee went berserk and proceeded to chuck metal chairs at the restaurant staff. What a charmer. Surely with all their money these boys should have a few lessons in deportment and learn that it's not the done thing to eat burgers for breakfast when you could have grilled smoked Finian Haddock instead. I mean what is the point of asking for all that money if you are going to stuff yourself with burgers twenty four hours a day?
Anyway, I digress somewhat. Insufficiently attracted to Turf Moor for the visit of Canvey Island, I was amazed to find that the 'Tie of the Round' Villa vs. Man Utd had failed to attract sufficient interest amongst the followers of Aston Villa, who plainly were in 'we want to be together' mode and preferred to watch from the comfort of their living rooms. Tickets were available on the gate, and me and the lad got in no problem. Strangely, we saw Jasper Carrot making his way into the ground; perhaps he's given up on City, or just went to gloat. Those who stayed away eschewed the opportunity to watch a great third round tie, packed with dazzling football and real drama. This time the BBM (Bloke Behind Me) was a Villa fan, so it's much more amusing than when its not one of your own. "F**k off Taylor, you're a sack of shit," in the first half, before he scored the opener in the second. Conversely, "Come on Magic!!!" (Merson, apparently. It took me a bit to work this one out.) The task was made more difficult
by the fact that 'Magic's' only trick seemed to make the ball disappear and re emerge at the feet of a United player. This is the sort of stuff you don't get in your living room at home.
Above all that was the speed and skill of Man U's passing game, never taking anyone on until the penalty box. Villa spent most of the night chasing the ball, so by the last twenty minutes they were dogged out, tongues hanging out and unable to repel Ole Gunnar and Van the Man. Frankly though, Peter the Dane looked a fat lump in goal, a bit like one of those golden labradors that the owner doesn't want to put down, too old to even want to try and roger your leg.
Add in Rotherham tonking Gordon 'Timebomb' Strachan's Southampton, complete with his obligatory South American multi million pound version of Neil Shipperley, knocked out ironically enough by £150k Johnny Mullin's excellent strike, and Albion making monkeys out of Peter Reid's Sunderland on their own patch. These two results made a bit of a mockery of the journalistic assertion that the First Division is 'not very good' apart from KKMC. Conversely I thought one of the most overlooked results was Orient's 4–1 thrashing of Portsmouth, complete with their Jap goalie - you might have thought they would have checked if he could touch the bar. This was not a good advert for the division, especially as the O's were kind enough to give them a goal start, but should act as a wake up call to Stan, as Orient were beaten at home by Cheltenham
The Clarets negotiated their banana skin comfortably in the end, and although Canvey may have threatened for a while, the score was 4-1 as the game last 90 minutes, or 98 if you are playing Sheffield Wednesday at home, complete with a rare Claret FA Cup hat trick. When was the last one? Surely not Andy Lochhead against Bournemouth in 1966?
So on to Sunday. First of all, let's not forget it's a really big day for Cheltenham. It's the first time they have ever got to the Fourth Round of the competition and it's a complete sell out. In an area where rugby and horse racing are the two big sports, they have done exceptionally well to gain league status and finish in the top ten twice, and are up there again. No doubt the ground will be a bit ropy and so on, but credit where it's due to their fans, who are supporting their local team and not Spurs or Man U.
Given the Clarets' current league form it has the makings of a very even game, but in a way the pressure is off for us, as Cheltenham are almost expected to produce a giant killing, as Gaz, Big Al, Brookin' and Lawro will be looking for one, especially if there hasn't been one on Saturday, and I can't see York beating Fulham. With nearly 2,000 out of a circa 7,000 crowd, we will be well represented and there will be a great atmosphere.
One thing I note about Cheltenham is that their side has stuck together for a while and they have got the very handy Tony Naylor up front alongside a big lad. A bit like us really. No doubt they will have a hard working midfield, but slow enough for Ball to catch, and a rugged defence, with a tall goalkeeper who will make a nice sizeable target for Taylor to cabbage. We could get ambushed, but I am expecting us to scrape through, perhaps after a replay. The Clarets have the advantage of having the whole week to prepare, whilst Cheltenham tonight have to face the mighty Darlington. Let's hope that for once Mark Ford does something useful for Burnley, unlike when he played for us, and clobbers a few of them.
If we get through we are in the last sixteen, and if we get a couple of home draws anything can happen. However I refuse to fantasise or speculate who we might get until after the game is played. As long as we are in the velvet bag on Sunday night, I will be happy.
If we lose, there's always next year.
Cardiff here we come. Can't wait to meet those lovely friendly Welsh folk, can you?
